


Doing enough

by croissantbleu



Series: Bad Days [2]
Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Nightmares, Pararibulitis (Dirk Gently), References to Depression, idk i'm clinically depressed guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-16 01:24:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13625616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/croissantbleu/pseuds/croissantbleu
Summary: "Todd has learned that what hurts the most is not being able to do anything. Not being able to do enough."





	Doing enough

**Author's Note:**

> Hello this didn't need a sequel but I'm still depressed so there you go

Todd has learned that what hurts the most is not being able to do anything. Not being able to do  _ enough _ .

 

Sometimes, Dirk has awful nightmares that he doesn't want to talk about when Todd has to wake him up in the middle of the night because he's mumbling and almost sobbing, and his heart hurts when he realizes there's nothing he can really do to help except repeating that everything's okay and that he's safe now. Which is questionably true, at times, even he has to admit. But it's not really a lie, is it? He means it. Every time.

Sometimes, he is the one waking up screaming because of an attack, because no matter how careful he is with his medications, the illness likes to remind him that it's still here in the deepest hours of the night. And these times, Dirk is the one to help him calm down and hug him through it. Attacks are always worse at night, he doesn't know why, but he can see in Dirk's eyes how much it pains him to see Todd like this without being able to help more.

Todd is immensely grateful the two have never happened at the same time. He's not sure how well they would handle it. He thinks they would manage, but he'd really prefer not having to confirm that.

Sometimes, Dirk just disappears in himself, and nothing Todd says seems to be able to bring him back to reality. He knows he can't do much to help him now, that it's best to leave him alone and give him some time and space, so he just puts the kettle on and drops a kiss on the top of his head as he drapes a blanket on his shoulders just as a reminder that hey, despite everything, he's still here. He'll always be here for him. And Todd feels a tightness in his chest and he hopes it can be enough, at least for a little while, until he feels a bit better, and then maybe they can go for a walk to get some air and better thoughts.

Sometimes, Todd spirals down into the void of self-hatred again and gets lost in his own head and he can't tell what's real and what's just a lie from his mind, and it just feels like his head is resonating with screams and screams and  _ nothing but screams _ and no matter how hard he tries to block them out, he can't. And Dirk notices, he always notices, and Todd has no idea how he does it, but suddenly they're both sat on the carpet in a corner of the office and Dirk's telling him about crazy cases he's investigated in the past, or asking him about stories from The Mexican Funeral to get him to focus on other things. And Todd can feel it in how tight Dirk holds his hand, how much he hates this, how much he wishes things would be easier.

Sometimes, Todd doesn't want to believe that Dirk is right about the Universe and everything happening for a reason, because if that's true, it means that he deserves to suffer, and was meant to and that there's nothing he can do to make things better because he's not the one really responsible for his decisions. And Dirk is there to say that maybe, but that also means they were meant to meet and meant to help each other make things better together.

Sometimes, the roles are reversed.

 

Sometimes, Todd thinks if either of them could take the other’s pain to relieve him, even a little, they would do it without even thinking about it for more than a second. He knows he would. He knows Dirk well enough to know he probably would.

Sometimes, he wonders how things would be if Dirk and him never met. And if Dirk is right and there are different realities, he's glad he doesn't live in one where that's the case.


End file.
